Author: Caroline Courey

Have you ever felt like you need to distance yourself from a friend or relative because of political or ideological differences? How are you handling it?

Over the last four years a few family members revealed that they no longer shared our moderate worldview. They now embrace conspiracy theories and a groupthink of moral outrage while putting their faith in a convicted gas lighter— former president DT, and they’re Canadian! My heart sank. What caused this dramatic shift from openly caring for others to being so closed and angry?

Narrow-minded thinking is not new to my family. Growing up I saw how uncomfortable, even callous some older relatives behaved around gay family members. But this I can understand. As the children of middle eastern immigrants, male and female roles were clearly defined, there was no place for ‘outsiders’ that might threaten the balance of the community to which they belonged.

Reflecting on these experiences including heated conversations with my father who preached the values of integrity and respect ad nauseum, I realize that their intolerance was FEAR. He was brought up to fear God, fear oppressors and invaders, fear others who didn’t belong to the tribe. Fear was a powerful motivator to protect cohesion of family and community.

So is fear of not-belonging the catalyst that incited their core beliefs?

Maybe. It happens all the time. Fear of isolation often drives people to seek belonging even if it means aligning with ideologies they once rejected. They may change religions or political affiliations to satisfy a basic need we all have for companionship, acceptance, love and belonging.

When my dad died mom was only 56. Without him by her side she became an outsider in the community. Gradually her ‘close’ friends stopped calling. Her greatest fear was to grow old alone and so a few years later she met and settled for a controlling bully for a partner. Nobody liked him which isolated her even more. She may not have been alone physically but I know she was very lonely, often saying that he was ‘better than nothing’ or ‘ find me someone else’. After he passed, I never saw her mourn.

I feel guilt because I’m staying away right now. After too many stressful conversations, I want to figure out how to socialize while ignoring the massive elephant in the room.

People tell me to just not talk about politics but it’s more than politics, it’s about fundamental core values vs unscientific conspiracy theories, hate speech vs respectful debate. Hard to ignore.

This is a difficult subject even for a life coach. It’s hard to acknowledge that sometimes communication is not always possible.

Have you faced similar challenges with family or friends? How do you balance maintaining relationships with staying true to your values?

While these challenges are complex, perhaps by sharing our experiences and strategies, we can find ways to bridge these divides without compromising our core values.

Living with a disability can be a challenging and life-altering experience. For almost three decades, I’ve navigated the world of mobility aids, a journey that began when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) at the age of 32. Did you know that in 2017, 2.7 million Canadians, or 1 in 10 individuals aged 15 and over, had a mobility disability? I was taken aback by this statistic. This is the story of how I faced the fear of stigma and the prospect of losing my identity and independence, only to eventually embrace the devices that now enable me to lead a fulfilling life.

The Early Struggles

My journey began during a period of personal transition. As a divorced mother of three, I returned to university. It was then that I first noticed my legs feeling heavy and tingling, causing me to fall unexpectedly. The unpredictability of these falls haunted me. One day Stephen and I were crossing the street when I fell down right in the middle of the road. It was the first time I noticed that turning my head quickly (in this case to check for traffic) caused me to lose balance. I was shocked and humiliated. Every day, I grappled with the fear of losing my ability to raise my children, maintain independence and a secure happy future. My quality of life was rapidly declining.

Discovering Mobility Aids:

My path to regaining independence began with the simple use of a cane. At first, I was self-conscious, but with time, I not only made peace with it but also had fun with it, thanks to the various styles and colors available. As my condition progressed and driving became challenging, I learned to use hand controls—an initially daunting prospect that I eventually mastered.

As I needed more stability, I adopted a wheelie walker. Though I was hesitant at first, it soon became clear that these aids were far more valuable than the negative perceptions I had initially held. They enabled me to continue doing things on my own terms. Today I drive myself wherever I want, take the walker from the car and off I go.

Empowering Through Knowledge

I came to understand the power of knowledge. Through exploring various options such as trekking poles for better posture and energy conservation, I greatly improved my quality of life. Diet and exercise also played a significant role in slowing the progression of my condition. I learned that it is essential to listen to your body and conduct thorough research, not relying on a single source, not even your doctor.

Breaking the Stigma and taking control

Early on, I felt shame and helplessness when using mobility devices, often subjected to unfair judgment from others. However, by openly discussing my experiences, I contributed to breaking the stigma around disability. One memorable day at Costco turned into a learning experience for both me and those around me. I even shared this experience in a blog post linked here

Today, I’m grateful for the mobility aids that empower me to do many things, from traveling to spending time with my grandkids. I take pride in setting an example for others facing similar challenges.

If you find yourself struggling with mobility issues, I encourage you to pay attention to your body and consult various medical professionals. Knowledge is indeed power, and by becoming well-informed about all your options, you can determine the best course of action for yourself.

Accepting the Wheelchair

My greatest fear has become a reality, as I now need a wheelchair on many occasions. However, research led me to an affordable, lightweight power chair that I can pick up, giving me the independence to go wherever I please.

Surprisingly, I’m looking forward to having this option.

Embracing change and processing emotions is how we grow in confidence and build resilience. It’s an essential part of the life coaching process as well. While we can’t always control what happens to us, we can choose our response. I choose to embrace my life despite the challenges, as there’s still so much more in store.

Join the Conversation:

I’d love to hear about your experiences and tips in the comments section. If you’d like to chat, feel free to email me to book a complimentary discovery call.

My journey with mobility aids has been transformative. I’ve transitioned from avoiding them out of fear and shame to embracing them because they’ve empowered me to lead a fulfilling life. Through the knowledge I gained from others and the process of overcoming self-doubt and fear, I’ve found the strength to live life on my terms. My wish is for you to do the same.

#DisabilityJourney#Resilience#Independence#MobilityAids#MSdiagnosis#QualityOfLife#Empowerment#WheelchairAcceptance#LifeCoaching#BuildingResilience

I get a ‘wow that’s great!’ followed by a blank stare after I tell someone I’m a life coach. Maybe they are embarrassed. Everyone knows what a fitness or soccer coach is but a life coach? I don’t blame them. It isn’t clear.

Life Coaching is a fast-growing field but unlike with doctors, psychologists or psychiatrists, there is no academic qualification required to be a life coach, and no governing body to regulate the industry. Virtually anyone can call themselves a life coach today.

Certification lets others know we have specific training and are serious about the career. I’m proud to be a certified International Coach Federation coach. ICF is globally recognized as the gold standard in coaching.

Generally speaking, the goal of life coaching is to equip individuals with the knowledge and skills for positive behavior change. Coaches help people overcome mental habits that keep them stuck and embark on an optimistic journey of personal growth.

We often choose a particular niche based on personal experiences, expertise or passion. There are weight loss coaches, nutritional coaches, business coaches, executive leadership coaching, spiritual coaching, financial coaching I know a tarot card reader that calls herself a life coach.

So, why did I choose to be a relationship coach? Because I was devastated by two failed marriages and spent years trying to process what happened.

How was I so blind? Why didn’t I listen to all the red flags?

With support from a trusted therapist (no coaches back then) I began to uncover why I settled with men who were so wrong for me. My self worth was practically nil. Both times I felt I was making a logical decision. Wasn’t that the right thing to do?

But I ignored my need to be recognized and loved for who I was, not how I made them feel. Light bulb! The more I looked the more I saw this was a pattern that began long before I had any deep personal relationship.

During this time of processing, I learned the value of mindfulness. It helped me uncover, accept and learn from my mistakes. Mindfulness is integrated into my practice as an essential tool for personal growth. I now have more than 20 years of practical training.

Over the early years of coaching I saw the same patterns emerge as I wrote about my life and what I learned from different challenges such as a stillbirth at 20 weeks pregnant, MS diagnosis, divorce and more. Inspired by my transparency and upbeat attitude they began to ask questions and feel hope…empowered.

This is why I do this life coaching. For so long I felt trapped. Awareness that I could safely explore the sides of me that I had pushed down, was like breathing fresh air for the first time. I want every woman or man who feels trapped or stuck in unhealthy relationships (including with themselves) to experience the freedom of healthy communication, respect, appreciation and most of all to accept that they are worthy of happiness.

I always loved curling up in a comfy chair in my favourite bookstore and reading self-help books. There was John Bradshaw, Deepak Chopra, Bernie Segal, Wayne Dyer and countless others. Each one gave me a new take on the human condition.

I soaked it up. It’s as if they’re speaking directly to you—like they see into your soul. I saw that I wasn’t crazy, my emotions were not wrong. These experts know how to validate our vulnerabilities and create hope. It’s fantastic!

That’s the short term payoff from these books.

But over the years I realized something was missing. The validation was great, but I was still stuck in my old cycles of anger and self-doubt. I worried about hurting others and was always putting my needs last. I’d learned to recognize my bad habits, but I couldn’t stop them. How come?

When I studied mindfulness and became a life coach, I learned that negative patterns resurface because we haven’t processed our emotions deeply enough. The missing link is to understand why and how we feel and act the way we do.

A bad diagnosis or abusive relationship is not the end—it’s the beginning of a new way of life. We’re more resilient than we think. I learn this every week from the women I coach at Up With Women, a non-profit group. As they face poverty, homelessness and a broken system, these courageous women are learning how to let go of fear and uncertainty, to challenge the obstacles that pushed them down. With new tools, renewed energy and steady support, they’re learning to build a new life and a new future, here and now in the present moment. They have no time to lose. They’re the ones teaching ME about resilience and courage!

This kind of ‘inner work’ is far less appealing than a popular ‘wishful thinking’ approach with an easy, quick-fix approach to happiness. Who wouldn’t like a plan that says, ‘think positive thoughts and ask for what you want. It’ll come.’ Trouble is, what we want isn’t always what we need.

The pursuit of happiness is a lifelong journey. As we age, our priorities change. The emotional tools of mindfulness, self-compassion, discernment, meditation and acceptance help us combat the fear and uncertainty we all feel at times.

Our wounds look alike but their root cause and the best ways of dealing with them are unique to each of us—as different as fingerprints.

Self-help books are a great way to begin the process of getting unstuck, but we need hands-on tools before anything changes. Seeing yourself grow and find joy is hard work—but it’s the best work you’ll ever do.

About 30 years ago, vulnerable and clueless about what was going on in my new MS body, I clung to wellness advice from the bestseller ‘Nutritional Healing’. I didn’t know who to trust. The medical community provided little info on how to move forward.

Impressive scientific looking healing guides like this one gave me hope. It showed the ’most recent information on a variety of alternative healing and preventive therapies and unveils new science on vitamins, supplements, and herbs, with an A-to-Z reference to illnesses…’ . Yes I had doubts, but I focused only on what I wanted to get from it.

Denial and desperation go hand in hand.

Months later, after more searching the internet, speaking to anyone interested and spending hundreds of dollars, I stopped. I learned that every person’s body reacts differently to drugs, treatments, even foods. I decided that I couldn’t accept recommendations from a book without knowing what my body was missing.

Did you know there are about 80,000 dietary supplements on the market? In 2015, 45.6% of Canadians aged one year and older (approximately15.7 million people) used at least one nutritional supplement.

By 2014 my health took a bad turn. Something needed to happen. After years of researching diets from vegan to paleo, listening to countless ‘experts’ on inflammation, leaky gut, stress etc. I decided to trust Dr. Terry Wahls and The Wahls Protocol. Her story is personal, inspired and science-based. That matters to me.

This paleo protocol also requires the aid of a functional practitioner to pinpoint our needs and deficiencies based on regular blood, urine and stool tests including lengthy detailed consultations— unlike a typical rushed meeting with a traditional GP. This approach made sense to me.

After several attempts and many ‘red flags’, I found someone to work with. After a few consults and positive changes, I began to trust her.

Did you know that there’s no regulatory organizations to ensure claims by supplement companies are true? A report on “natural health products” presented to Parliament by the Office of the Auditor General of Canada concluded that Health Canada “has not ensured that natural health products offered to Canadians were safe, effective, and accurately represented on the basis of appropriate evidence.” Basically, buyer beware!

Now, still in 2014, everyone was shocked to see how much better I looked and felt. They wanted to know my secret. I get it, who doesn’t want a simple solution like a pill and get on with life? It doesn’t work that way. This is a lifestyle transformation, a dramatic change in diet and exercise. Supplements are one part of it.

Did you know that many supplements contain active ingredients that can hurt or complicate your health. Things like— combining supplements; using supplements with medicines (whether prescription or over-the-counter); substituting supplements for prescription medicines; taking too much of some supplements, such as vitamin A, vitamin D, or iron.

Scientists still have much to learn about the myriad of supplements on the market. An NIH funded 2011 study showed increased risk of prostate cancer from Vitamin E supplements that aimed to reduce risk of prostate cancer.

Beware of wishful thinking! Anecdotal evidence may be exciting, and the placebo effect has its benefits, but to take a drug with potential dangerous side effects with no guarantee it will help is not for me. Every day I read posts on an online support group for people to share their MS treatment experiences. The majority complain about drug side effects, bouncing from one drug plan to another, asking other frightened people for help. I love the support aspect of the group but I find it hard to watch people behave like ‘experts’ because they believe in the drug treatment they are taking at the time.

Unfortunately no one knows who will benefit from a drug, for how long, or even know long term consequences.

I want to understand what the scientists around the world are doing, their new discoveries and approaches like neuroplasticity and the PONS device as well as drug treatments. It is important to me that my health-care provider is aware of these things and open to new ideas.

Health-care professionals care and want to heal, but there’s no guarantee their method is the only method for you. What if their knowledge is limited in scope? Are you getting enough information or settling because you don’t have a medical degree?

Imagine you’re really sick in the ER, your assigned medical team is making mistakes with your treatment protocol. You know which meds are most effective at the ‘right’ time because you learned everything about your condition from all your doctors. Besides a quicker recovery time, you could free up a much needed bed. This just happened to someone I know. She resolved the chaos with purpose, grace and strength to her standards. The overworked exhausted staff thanked her for alerting them and corrected the error. Of course her situation wasn’t about supplements but understanding her condition and treatment enabled her to facilitate the care she needed.

Our healthcare system is broken. It’s hard to get a doctor let alone one you trust implicitly. You can however inform yourself about your body.

Start with asking hard questions, learn about your symptoms, the causes as well as your emotional reactions to them. Ask for explanations in everyday not scientific terms. Look at current treatments and what’s on the horizon.

Being informed matters. Most importantly, trust yourself to keep up with your changing needs and resources to support you. You will feel better in ways you never dreamed.

About 30 years ago when I was diagnosed with MS there were no treatments and no cure in sight.

Back then all I knew about MS was that it was an incurable brain disease that lands you in a wheelchair or worse.

My neurologist— director of the MS Clinic at the prestigious Montreal Neurological  Institute said, ‘All we do know is that we don’t know much.’ The little information he did share was unclear. I assumed he felt it was too complicated for my uneducated mind. When I mentioned this to other health care providers, many shrugged and said neurologists had the worst bedside manner; insensitivity was to be expected.

Staying in the dark was not acceptable. As a single mother with three small kids I wasn’t going to sit quietly and wait for it to destroy our lives.

I joined a live support group to see first hand what it was like to live with MS while researching alternative approaches to dealing with chronic conditions.

The 25 or so group members with varying degrees of disability, were kind and welcoming. I saw the power of validation and compassion. It was beautiful. People felt accepted, like they belonged. So many MSer’s feel isolated and judged. I completely understand the need for this kind of support.

When I raised the subject of diet and exercise as areas we can focus on to improve our quality of life, they were not interested and quickly changed the subject. Even though I had been diagnosed a few months prior I was shocked to see what little they knew or wanted to know about their condition, let alone discuss things that we can control. As I watched them enjoy donuts and sweet drinks talking about what they lost rather than how to fight it, it was clear this group wasn’t for me.

Drug treatments for MS began to arrive in 1993. Neurologists finally had something to offer their terrified patients. All drugs have side effects, some riskier than others. But hey, if your doctor tells you to take it, how can you say no?

By 1995 I started a support group to help inform and validate members not only of the physical changes in the MS body but the emotional turmoil that everyone experiences, like guilt, fear, isolation. I figured if I needed this, others would too.

Participants who had MS much longer than me quickly appreciated learning new facts as well as having their emotional struggles validated. They received tangible tools from invited ‘alternative’ health professionals who discussed things like mindfulness, inflammation and how to combat it, the benefit of exercise and nutrition. Things our doctors rarely discuss. The veil of darkness lifted as they became empowered rather than defeated.

Since then I’ve joined about a dozen online MS support groups, quitting the ones that triggered hopelessness and helplessness.

Every day I read posts to see what’s going on in the MS patient world. While I see a lot of love and compassion, fear and confusion remain. Fear, in part, caused by a lack of information, a lack of emotional support, and exposure to charlatans touting false hope with expensive, potentially dangerous treatments.

After decades of firsthand experience and researching MS, I am comfortable with the way I manage my health. I combine traditional and alternative approaches tailored to my specific needs. My quality of life has gone way up since we made lifestyle changes 7 years ago.

The groups I joined keep me motivated and inspired. I can’t imagine going though this without them. I may not visit for weeks and that’s ok. It’s comforting to know help is close by.

If you want to join a group, think about what you want and pay attention to how you feel when you leave. Do you feel uplifted and hopeful, or sad and angry. If it doesn’t feel right, look for another one. If you don’t see what you need, create your own. It’s easier than ever these days.

We don’t have to feel helpless. Be informed, ask for help, give help. You have choices and you are not alone!

#EmotionalResilience #Wellbeing #Counselling #Therapy #Stress #Anxiety #Motivation #Psychology #Psychotherapy #Wellbeing #coaching #Supervision #PositivePsychology #TherapistsThoughts #DoSelfCare #Mindfulness

I grew up thinking that doctors were gods. My parents believed they had all the answers and could do no wrong— especially men doctors.

I was also painfully shy so when my gut told me to ask more questions my brain said, ‘Who do you think you are, challenging a doctor?’

Fast forward to 1993. I’d just answered the phone. The voice on the other end was cold and detached. “I have your MRI results.”

I held my breath.

‘I’m sorry,” the voice said. “You have MS.”

I crumpled to the floor. “What about the pinched nerve?” I cried. “What about my kids? What am I supposed to DO?”

I was 33. My ex-husband was long gone with his new life in Europe. Our three small children and I were on our own.

This doctor just gave me a death sentence over the phone. That’s how I felt, and I knew he knew it. How could he be so insensitive as to not look me in the eye, offer support and explain what MS was—I barely knew. Such cowardice!

On that day thirty years ago, I promised myself that I would never be so uninformed and trusting again. Since then, I go to doctors appointments prepared with lots of questions. It helps me make sense of what I’m going through, what options they’re considering and why. I have great respect for doctors, I simply demand the same in return.

Most evenings we watch an hour or so of TV. It’s such a refreshing change from the intensity of our work days. The problem is, since Covid halted production of our favourites we’ve been struggling to find stuff we like.

After watching a documentary on Betty White we wondered if we should try her old sitcom— The Golden Girls. But 40 years later, how funny could it be?

What a surprise. It’s hilarious! Unlike many old shows, The Golden Girls themes are still relevant today. Each episode focuses on personal and societal issues that challenge their peaceful life, their expectations of how things should be, including their friendship. Whether they address romance, sexual misconduct, homophobia, death … they guide you through serious topics laughing. Like taking a, ‘Spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.’

What I found most striking is the unconditional love these four women have for each other. Despite differences in personality, socioeconomic status, intellect, lifestyle choices, they never judge each other, no matter what. That doesn’t mean they don’t get angry or insulting. They lose their temper all the time but with humour and empathy. They never lose sight of what matters most —their love for each other. That’s why the insults don’t bother them. Instead they respond with curiosity as they consider the underlying message.

I love the way they comfortably express their commitment to each other and how it enables a sense of security and forgiveness when things get out of hand.

Is it realistic? I think so, but it’s rare. That’s no reason to discount the message. We know that relationships can be hard and complicated. Good communication and letting-go of our need to defend ourselves takes work and practice.

This show features brilliant comedians, but more importantly it portrays qualities and values we still strive for today like respect, empathy, acceptance and self compassion.

I’m reflecting a bit more on all my friendships, the ones that faded and the ones that endure. What do you cherish most about your friendships? Can you comfortably express anything without fear of hurting, or of being hurt or judged? It’s not easy, but isn’t this what love is all about?

My stomach was in knots. I was about to get my hair cut! No, I wasn’t afraid of getting a new style, I was afraid of falling in the parking lot as I made my way inside the salon or even falling once inside. MS is so unpredictable!

It’s happened too many times over the years. Often at home but also on a busy street, at the pharmacy, someone’s house. Once I was exiting a store with a bagful of groceries, I tripped on a tiny lip in the floor and then I went on autopilot. It goes like this, I scream, my arms go up and out to break my fall so that everything I’m holding goes flying in all directions, sometimes I twist my body to make sure I land on a shoulder or hip to avoid hitting my head. I find it fascinating to watch my survival instinct kick in (after the crisis has passed). I’m always moved by the kindness of strangers when in this case they gathered all my runaway food and made sure I was ok.

Since Covid I rarely go out alone. I work from home, see clients on Zoom. Stephen does all the shopping and errands. To be honest, he’s been doing that for years however we always have fun shopping together when schedules permit.

He offered to drive and escort me inside, but I refused. Driving provides me a rare sense of movement, freedom, independence. My best decision ever was to install hand controls in my car nine years ago.

Walking is another story. Lately at home I use the furniture or a walker for support. The walker seat works as a table to transport drinks, food, my phone or work… great for everything except walking. Trekking poles enable me to stand up straight, in proper alignment, whereas it’s easy to lean on the walker which can aggravate my back from being bent over. I decided to use trekking poles for this excursion despite being exclusively on the walker all year.

Another scary prospect.

I took a deep breath, turned on the car radio and absorbed every minute of the wonderful drive. In the parking lot I noticed an elderly couple sitting by the entrance and another woman on a nearby bench. I hung my disabled sticker, put on my mask, grabbed my purse and poles and opened the car door.

I stood there for a while trying to figure out the safest way to the entrance. The shorter route meant taking a big step up to the sidewalk, the longer route up a steep incline (for wheelchairs). I must have looked like a deer in the headlights. The heat didn’t help. Like most people with MS I am heat intolerant.

Within minutes I felt numb, weak and unsteady.

The man from the table and woman on the bench jumped to my aid. I accepted gratefully. Phew! Step one complete.

Turns out the bench lady was MJ, the assistant who washed my hair. She stayed close as I maneuvered my way around the salon ( just in case). Before I let my hair grow to its natural grey/white I was a regular every 6 weeks for years. It‘s like a big family there, I knew they’d understand and support me. That was how I reassured myself that going would be ok no matter what— my backup plan. Without asking, MJ helped me back to my car after a fun reunion with the gang inside.

It was a great day. It felt so good to be out by myself. I learned just like with every other challenging decision that I can stay safe and protected or go for it. I prefer to face fear and go for it, as long as I have a backup plan.

My hair looks good too!