Author: Caroline Courey

Things a little tense at home?

When relationships are under conditions of isolation, uncertainty and anxiety, it might feel like you’re drifting on the ocean without a rudder.

Even under the best conditions relationships are hard work—and then stuff happens.

I was telling Stephen a story the other day when he just walked away. He looked bored. I felt he’d deliberately tuned me out. OUCH! I took it personally.

This came just after we’d remarked on how well we were getting on during our social isolation, and how grateful we were for it! I’d been trying to be especially mindful of our relationship that day.

But a feeling’s a feeling. He pushed my “I’m not important enough” button.

This has happened before. It’s part of our relationship ‘dance.’ The button is not new. It’s just under the surface, waiting to go off. It’s up to me to recognize my button it before it’s set off, to swap my usual reactivity for something more thoughtful and productive

I took a breath and set my intention: to examine my reactivity and not take it personally.That’s like swimming upstream, which is why taking a breath now is so helpful.

When I have that balance it’s easier to see what’s really going on inside. Then I thought about what he was going through.

Then I asked myself some questions:

Q: Was he deliberately trying to hurt me?

A: Duh no! He is one of the most kind and gentle souls I know.  Like everyone, he carries emotional baggage, and he reacts to me pushing his vulnerable buttons too.

Q: Did he really hear me?

A: His hearing is not 100% so maybe not. He can be distracted, or overwhelmed by my brain’s rapid-fire flow of ideas. That’s my bad. I get very enthusiastic about brainstorming out loud.

Q: If I just let it go,would he learn that it’s okay to be like that in the future?

A: Based on the fact that we are 99% of the time respectful and polite, probably not.

Q: What would a wise elder say?

A: Look inward, especially to my “I’m not important enough” button. That’s the actual source of the hurt. I take a good look at my need to defend myself, and look at how things turn out. That shows you the price of being right, as opposed to letting go of the hurt and addressing it with humor and love.

I chose humour because it’s freeing, and it works. I told Stephen how I felt honestly and directly—but in a playful way. He responded beautifully.

I want to do it every time, but sometimes I don’t. I’m human. But as I always tell my clients, the more you practice the easier it gets.

Rather than beat myself up or stew in discomfort, I do something that feels good like write, exercise or play with my cats and try again.

What do you do?

The fire was crackling. The Pinot Noir was delightful. I was catching-up with an old friend. She poured her third glass and sighed. “Did you know that in fifteen years of marriage my husband has apologized…oh, maybe twice?”

“You’re joking?” I said. “We’ve been friends forever. How did I not know? I thought you guys were great!”

“Yup,” she shrugged. “Never wrong. In his mind there’s nothing to apologize for.”

She seemed too relaxed about it. “Really?” I said. “You believe that?”

She snapped, “Of course not! It’s just easier this way. Keeps the peace. Who needs confrontation?” “Sounds hard,” I said.

She went silent—I got the impression she’d never said it out loud before. ”So,” I probed, “what happens to all your stored-up resentment?”

She looked ashamed, but the wine was loosening her tongue. “What can I do? I don’t have the energy to deal with him.” “So instead of finding the energy, you hang on to the resentment. How much energy does that take?”

She stared. I wasn’t sure if she was going to burst into tears or throw something at me. One way or another, I’d touched a nerve. I stuck my neck out a little farther. “You can let it go, you know. Make a few changes.”

“Changes?” she laughed bitterly. “He won’t change!”

“Not him,you! It’s not your job to change him. You’re half of the relationship. What’s your part in him being always right? Maybe you can change that.” She was still staring downward.

“Accepting the unacceptable is ‘enabling’. I bet he has no idea how upset you really are.”

“I’ve told him a thousand times. He doesn’t listen!” Now she was angry. “Why are you dragging this up anyway? He’s a good man. We love each other. We’re OK. Next subject?”

I reached for the bottle wiped the neck, and topped up her glass, then mine. I put the bottle down, and chuckled. “Hey, you brought it up.” She nodded her head up and down and side to side trying not to smile. “Okay, okay.”

“Looks like you can’t keep it in any longer. How does it feel sharing this with me?”

She looked perplexed. “Good and bad. I hate all this negativity, but I do feel better.” She took a sip. “I took it out on you. Sorry.” “Apology accepted. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m glad you’re not alone anymore.”

“Wow! Two apologies in five minutes and no bad feelings. It’s scary, but you’re right—I’m ready for change. I can’t keep this up much longer. It’s ruining the way I feel about him, about myself. I don’t want to end the marriage, but I don’t want to enable him and I’m sick and tired of resenting him.”

“ I’ll bet he doesn’t even know he’s not listening. His dismissive attitude towards you is a defensive reaction to something that may not have anything to do with you. We all have our ‘buttons’. What are his? What are yours?”

“I never thought about it like that!” She looked teary.

“Take baby steps. You don’t have to say anything, at least for now. Just pay attention to your feelings. What are your hopes and fears? What do you do with them? Explore your relationship.”

“I can do that,’ she smiled. “Thanks.”

“We’ll talk again. Now, let’s eat. I’m starved!”

I’m increasingly horrified by the reality TV Show that politics has become. Canada’s next-door neighbour, who I’ve always regarded as a friend, is turning from democracy to demagoguery. It scares me.

The worst is seeing myself obsess with rage at every news cycle. This is not who I want to be!

It’s time to coach myself! First I have to come up with a ‘goal’ to help me stay focused on what I want and what is in my way.

Goal: to stop obsessing about politics so that I can enjoy more emotional balance.

What’s in my way? Or put another way, what triggers my destructive reaction? That’s clear; it’s feeling helpless and trapped.

The next step is to go inward to identify the fears at the root of these triggers. I need to know what to let go of.

This part is not so easy. It means looking back at the way I interpreted and coped with stress growing up. Looking objectively, I can see patterns that I never noticed before. There’s a link between feeling not good enough with a sense of helplessness and being trapped. A fear of not being independent.

Even today my chronic disease triggers helplessness and being trapped. I manage it quite well, most of the time. Now I understand how these ideas evolved.

Next I identify and strengthen the emotional ‘muscles’ needed to stop this automatic reaction. Muscles like gratitude—for the good things in my life like my new grandchild, and another on the way, a fulfilling career, loving close family; honesty—to see the futility in obsessing; self-love —to gently break this destructive habit without harsh self judgment.

It’s hard to be objective alone. In July 2018 I wrote a post about my obsession with the news. Clearly I had more ‘work’ to do!

Now I see that the politicians and media aren’t blocking my peace, the obstacles are a) my need for a fast solution that makes me feel safe and secure and b) a fear that things are going to get worse before they get better and I don’t think I can handle it.

This is insight. Now what?

The final step which never ends, is to consciously and consistently replace the automatic reaction with a thoughtful healthy response. If I am honest and kind to myself, over time new healthy habits will replace the old destructive ones.

I know that focusing only on the positive isn’t the solution. I feel what I feel; I can’t un-feel or control it. Trying to control does more harm than good in the long term especially if you ignore or suppress your negative feelings. Eventually pressure will reach a boiling point and you and your body will be impacted.

I can control my response to whatever is going on when I accept my emotions, act with compassion and follow the steps above. Life coaching is like being a detective, explorer and a good Samaritan, all with no judgment.

I met my new MS neurologist last week. My old one retired, thank God. Every time we met over 20 years, I left his office feeling helpless and hopeless, sometimes in tears. He was gentle enough, and quite kindly, but my final meeting with him last year was the worst. He saw I was better but wouldn’t acknowledge it. He implied I was lucky.

I’ve lived with MS for 27 years. It’s a chronic inflammatory disease that, about 6 years ago, was progressing fast and taking away my quality of life. That’s when I was ready to take what seemed like a desperate step: to go on The Wahls Protocol.

Dr. Terry Wahls is an MS patient herself. She devised a gut-health protocol of diet, exercise and meditation. Within three months my most debilitating symptoms—vertigo, extreme fatigue and dizziness—all stopped. I regained energy and stamina I hadn’t had in ages. My blood pressure had crept up to and I’d been on medication when I started. Within a year my BP was normal and I was off the meds. I lost twenty-five pounds too.

The diet was one part. Then there was the exercise. How? What sort? How to deal with spasticity, balance, pain, walking?

Then in 2017 The MS Gym went online. What a resource! Coach Trevor Wicken explains clearly how MS affects muscles and movement. My doctors never even suggested I learn this, but it’s invaluable. Now I understand what I can do to counteract it. The MS Gym also provides emotional support, weekly motivational videos and a community of people like me. I’m no longer in the dark as to what’s going on in my body. The fact that MS is irreversible does not mean there’s nothing you can do. Tens of thousands of people also on the Wahls Protocol and the MS Gym are seeing significant improvements too.

My former doctor said bluntly that diet and exercise were not relevant to my health. He never ever suggested any sort of education, and his idea of emotional support was a pat on the back. I was so infuriated after my last visit that I wrote about it here in my most popular post to date: “The Healing Power of Hope.”

It seems I’m not the only one frustrated by closed minds in the medical establishment. Don’t get me wrong, a skeptical attitude is key to scientific knowledge. But claiming that diet can’t affect health is both antiquated and irresponsible–especially when it comes to chronic disease.

So here I was with Stephen at the new offices of the new doctor. The waiting room was bright and cheerful. This was an improvement over those old windowless offices. I was encouraged and a little excited. Perhaps we’d meet younger doctors here, with a broader perspective. After all, mainstream medicine has confirmed the complexity of the microbiome and established a definite correlation between gut health, inflammation and quality of life. It appears to be particularly significant in chronic illness.

We were greeted by two young neurologists, a somewhat older male doctor and a younger female intern. I told them enthusiastically about my lifestyle changes over the past six years. They nodded politely but we could see an invisible line. They weren’t crossing it.

The examination is a series of standard tests that measures your disability score. Although I have secondary progressive MS, the disease didn’t worsen since my last exam. In fact, I feel better. It’s not supposed to happen. Predictably, they chalked it down to good luck.

Stephen asked, “So are there any breakthroughs we should be aware of?” The young intern brightened up and offered a new drug that might improve my walking by 20% or so, but could cause seizures and harm my kidneys. And I’d have to take it for ever.

Seriously !?

I had another question. “How do you support your patients through the emotional, mental and physical turmoil of MS? What do you offer besides drugs?”

For a moment there were just two blank stares. Then the young woman admitted that yes they could use some help with that. She took my card, though I’m not expecting a call.

She did say that exercise helps more than anything, but she had no idea what kind of exercise. How to do it, where to find a good therapist? Exercising when you suffer from extreme fatigue, spasticity and pain requires a lot of support, but all they offered were drugs. Neither had ever heard of Dr. Wahls, or the MS Gym. They seemed unaware of any non-pharmaceutical approaches. I felt bad for them, and worse for their patients.

Doctors are amazingly educated in some ways and astonishingly ignorant in others. We patients want to think of them first and foremost as healers, which means understanding and empathizing with their patients. But when they focus on science to the exclusion of people they undermine their own healing powers.

People with chronic illness need tools to navigate the rest of their lives. We need to know what’s going on in our bodies, and learn about ALL our options so we can make better decisions for ourselves.

We’ll meet again in 18 months. It’ll be interesting to see if they make any progress.

Last night I asked my husband/mindfulness teacher/former Buddhist monk/ghostwriter/all around thinker, ‘When did you first start liking yourself?’

He went silent, scratched his chin, looked at the ceiling and said, ‘No one ever asked me that before.’

I was intrigued to catch him off guard.

He may be one of the most skilled mindfulness teachers, with four decades of teaching/ training/writing under his belt—but you don’t become a Buddhist monk for fun. He was in crisis when he got there. It saved his life!

Over our 20 years of conversations we’ve probed tough areas, shared our most vulnerable sides and grown. This ‘risk-taking’ is the foundation of our intimacy and trust. I knew that question would trigger something—and it did.

He realized that he started to like himself at age 13 and recalled the event that triggered it. He was delighted! Then he asked me. When did I begin to like myself? It got me thinking. Did I ever not like myself?

I grew up painfully shy, self-conscious and uncomfortable. Maybe I didn’t like myself but I didn’t look at it like that. I was just, me.

When I was fifteen, peers who struggled with family, friends or school, sought my advice. I was their safe place to vent and get a new perspective. This was different. I remember thinking, ‘Wow, what do they see that I’m not seeing?’

I think I started liking myself when I saw my value in the eyes of others.

Neat exercise, right? Positive thinking and all that. But the exercise didn’t stop on this pleasant thought. I next noticed deep anger at myself for making bad relationship choices. ‘Not liking’ myself was putting it mildly. Some decisions hurt others too.

Even after everyone else moved on, I was still holding onto anger and disappointment. I’d ‘fly off the handle’ over trivial things. Intellectually I knew I had to forgive myself. But how?

The answer is: through conversations like this one with Stephen. Forgiveness and deeper insight don’t come by talking once. ALL the conversations where I feel supported, not judged, enabled me to shed my burden. Even my body feels energized and stronger as I express myself.

One of the best results from all this is my ability to speak up guilt-free and without fear of hurting others or creating conflict. I take a ‘risk’ to express what matters, because I MATTER!

If you judge yourself this may be your starting point. If you’re hard on yourself, you’re not seeing the whole picture of who you are and who can you can become. Don’t you owe it to yourself to find out?

If you are carrying anger, resentment, fear, what have you tried, to alleviate your discomfort? Maybe you’re waiting for things to improve on their own. How’s that working for you? There may be a better way.

Imagine spending one day with your great great great grandchildren. What would you want them to know?

Yesterday as I was staring into the eyes of my beautiful five week old granddaughter my stomach started to knot. ‘The world’s so scary. How will Mackenzie be happy, safe and productive?’ I know every generation has the same concerns, but today feels different. We and our planet are more fragile than ever. This realization takes a huge emotional toll.

I took a calming breath.

In her eyes I see my life reflected back. My hopes and dreams, failures and successes, the love and pain, the passion to inspire and empower. I want her to know how living with Multiple Sclerosis turned me into a warrior, and helped me fight for what matters in life. I’d like her to understand resiliency, determination, self love and empathy and be mindful of them. You learn that mostly from people who love you.

My story is not particularly unique. There are dozens of self help books, memoirs, and articles out there. But imagine those stories coming from your own ancestor, who anticipates your reaction and your questions.

Someone you never met who becomes familiar —an influence.

I never knew my grandfather George. I always wished he could appear in my kitchen,where we have all our best family discussions, so we could have a good family chat. I’d ask him about what he believed, what motivated him, what were his dreams and fears? Was he satisfied?

He came to Canada from the Middle East at age fifteen. Before that, they say he lived with his mother and brother in a cave in the hills of Lebanon. How did that shape him? What was it like? Although penniless, he convinced the ship’s captain to let them take the perilous journey providing he cook for the crew and passengers. Once here, with no English or French, he figured out how to survive as a street peddler.

How did he make that work? Wasn’t he scared or lonely? Who helped and influenced him? My father, one of George’s seven children, always told us stories about his father’s fierce devotion to his family, to provide and protect, not only in his lifetime but for generations afterwards. A hundred years later the business bearing his name is an industry leader, still run by family. The compound he built in the Laurentians is still filled with cousins and new generations of Courey’s.

George is a family legend. We all know the landmarks of his life, but what about how he felt? He was respected for his integrity, kindness and generosity, but what made him that way? He left a material legacy, but what wisdom did he acquire? Sometimes I feel connected to him, and sometimes he’s a puzzle. I wish I had more to go on.

Especially now as I look into precious Mackenzie’s eyes, relishing every moment knowing that all this is fleeting. It’s new and exciting. What I want for her above all is a healthy self image. With it she’ll grow emotional intelligence, and hopefully live a meaningful and happy life.

Soon enough she’ll start speaking and thinking. We’ll have deep discussions about everything! I want her to benefit from my mistakes and insights, and one day pass her own wisdom down to her grandchildren. Then perhaps, I’ll appear in their kitchen for a nice family chat!

When my grandson was born last month I immediately offered to go down and help them out. It’s not negotiable. I’m going.

But wait, I have multiple sclerosis. Isn’t that rash? Aren’t I overextending myself? Will I be able to handle it?

On the other hand, how can I say no? It’s my first grandson! They asked me to visit for a month and—well, what else am I going to say? It’s what I want.

Back in the real world, I face challenges every day, and have learned to push my way through.

How complicated? First, they live in Florida. Second, baby’s not a good sleeper. Neither am I! In fact I’m an insomniac. Nothing’s more important for my health than sleep. One bad night can trigger all sorts of MS symptoms.

I’m excited and nervous. Will I cope? Will they end up having to take care of me? I try not to indulge my worries. I’m determined to be the best grandma I can be, whatever it takes! I want to be there for all three of them.

The nervousness remains, but I’m more aware of what to look out for. I used to always push myself beyond my limits, until I realized how important it is to set aside me-time. I’m still amazed at how a little change in my routine increases my energy and positivity. Small things—like going out with friends, having a facial or making a date night.

“But you’re not getting stuff done!”

OMG, that voice in my head! Getting stuff done may feel good—and it’s important too—but equally essential for your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing are periods of not-doing, or doing with no particular goal. IT’S NOT SELFISH. It’s maintenance. Everyone benefits from your improved balance.

I can’t afford to burn out. My family and clients need me to be present, focused and sharp. They care about me. Is that why I tend to keep going even when it’s time to stop?

I realized the problem is not my family, clients or circumstances. It’s the expectations I have of myself. If I’m not doing something perfectly right, I judge myself harshly. Why? Too prove what, and to whom? What makes a great grandma?

Questions like these helped me see the insecurities I was hanging on to.

Seeing them changes everything. It puts them within reach, so I can let go. I told my kids (the parents) what I was feeling. They understand how MS affects me and are ready for the unexpected. It’s not a problem for them. They want have me in his life in any capacity.

Looking at it like this quiets the inner critic—that nagging voice telling me to be who I’m ‘supposed to be.’ Talking with someone helps me stay objective.

What have I done to not overextend myself? I paid extra for flexible flights—just in case. I reminded my son and daughter-in-law that I’ll need to rest in the day. What else? Perhaps it’s not so complicated after all.

Meanwhile, they’re making contingency plans. Stephen’s coming with me too, but can’t stay as long. We’ll have a blast being first time grandparents and we’ll find out what I really can and can’t do when I’m alone with baby.

Now I can stop worrying about what might go wrong and focus on the joys of this little miracle. I can’t wait!

When my children were 1,4, and 7 years old their father left Canada and never came back. My purpose in life was suddenly to protect them from the emotional pain of rejection and provide a stable happy childhood. Needless to say, my ‘plate’ became very full!

I went back to school but an MS diagnosis got in the way, so I quit. I couldn’t juggle school and their needs.

I continued to put myself last until the disease became unmanageable. My priorities had to change. The children needed me to be well, and ‘there’ for them. I couldn’t bear the thought of them feeling disappointed or abandoned again.

The immediate obstacle to taking me-time was guilt for saying no even if I was exhausted. I was afraid that they wouldn’t love me the same way. Would they blame me, or be scared? It was already so confusing for them.

When I finally learned how to put myself first everyone benefited! I had more energy and stamina. People respected and appreciated me more—not less. Best of all, I was a positive role-model to my children, a living example how to face uncertainty and any challenge head on.

Studies show that people who prioritize their needs are happier and smile more. They have less fear, stress, and resentment. They have better relationships too, because they’re more present for others.

In my upcoming self compassion workshop Stop Putting Yourself Last! we’ll explore why we have such a hard time putting ourselves first, and learn self-care tools that feel right without guilt or fear of conflict.

I fall. Sometimes every week, sometimes not for months. It depends on two things: sleep and exercise. The problem is that I, like 30% of Canadian women, suffer from insomnia. Poor sleep prevents me from exercising, which is what helps me feel strong and walk better.

When my foot doesn’t lift properly (‘foot-drop’ is an MS thing), my toe catches on something and down I go. There’s a primal scream followed by a sickening thud—at least, that’s how my husband describes it. I feel bad for being helpless. Every time I fall, he and our daughter are traumatized.

To me it’s surreal, all in slow motion. As I’m going down, I realize it’s not stoppable. My body instinctively lets go. It’s a sort of surrender. No room scares me more than our bathroom, with its sharp corners, hard tiles and ceramic floor. Last week I fell in there for the first time, but besides some aches and pains there was no real damage. I wonder if perhaps that instinct made me less prone to injury.

It made me think about letting-go. My clients want to let go of anger, worry, self-doubt, putting themselves last… They learn to let go of the habits that undermine what they really want.

It’s hard work. I have to keep up my strict diet and vigorous exercise regime. It’s frustrating —especially when momentum’s constantly interrupted.

That’s when I think about the people who come with their insurmountable challenges. I’m always awed by the enormous courage it takes to confront your own struggle, but together we do great work and they accomplish their goals.

So I too can let-go of the urge to quit the fight and—like the Sinatra song, I get back up, dust myself off, and start all
over again.

Ever notice how your body feels when you’re upset with someone? When I’m in conflict with someone close, my body feels drained, my mind distracted, I don’t eat properly, work seems harder.

Did you know that the largest contributor to conflict in relationships is poor communication. Maybe you don’t feel heard, there’s constant arguing, nothing changes, and the biggie— you both are acting defensively, pushing each other’s ‘buttons’. Poor communication can chip away at our self esteem and self confidence. How can this be good for our health?

We see from personal experience the connection between good or bad communication and our relationships. Now there’s scientific evidence to support the link between good relationships and a long healthy happy life.

A Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the world’s longest studies of adult life that looked for clues that lead to healthy and happy lives. It began at Harvard in 1938 and continuing today with a second generation study.

“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. The study showed that close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. They are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. * article from The Harvard Gazette read here

When in conflict with your partner, family member, colleague… what do you notice about the way you communicate with each other? This is not about judgment or blame, it’s about seeing what is going on.

Awareness of ‘what is’ is the first step to change.

Is there trust, honesty, openness and mutual respect? Is someone trying to be the winner? That can’t work since someone winds up the ‘loser’. It’s not a competition.

Relationships are built on compromise and on finding solutions of mutual benefit, caring for oneself and others.

Good communication skills are the only way your messages are heard and received.

With tools such as listening with empathy and letting go of your reactivity, you can end the frustration of poor communication. You break old patterns that used to get you caught up in the same conversations.

I help my clients learn new ways to:

• be a more active listener
• express themselves without the fear of creating more conflict
• be heard

We do it by exploring:

• how the way they treat themselves impacts their relationships
• how to create and enforce good boundaries/respect
• new ways of building intimacy and trust

How’s communication in your relationships? Maybe it’s great with your partner but not so great with a sibling. You are not alone. Family relationships are complicated! Learn what you can do to feel better, find peace and get unstuck.