I fall. Sometimes every week, sometimes not for months. It depends on two things: sleep and exercise. The problem is that I, like 30% of Canadian women, suffer from insomnia. Poor sleep prevents me from exercising, which is what helps me feel strong and walk better.
When my foot doesn’t lift properly (‘foot-drop’ is an MS thing), my toe catches on something and down I go. There’s a primal scream followed by a sickening thud—at least, that’s how my husband describes it. I feel bad for being helpless. Every time I fall, he and our daughter are traumatized.
To me it’s surreal, all in slow motion. As I’m going down, I realize it’s not stoppable. My body instinctively lets go. It’s a sort of surrender. No room scares me more than our bathroom, with its sharp corners, hard tiles and ceramic floor. Last week I fell in there for the first time, but besides some aches and pains there was no real damage. I wonder if perhaps that instinct made me less prone to injury.
It made me think about letting-go. My clients want to let go of anger, worry, self-doubt, putting themselves last… They learn to let go of the habits that undermine what they really want.
It’s hard work. I have to keep up my strict diet and vigorous exercise regime. It’s frustrating —especially when momentum’s constantly interrupted.
That’s when I think about the people who come with their insurmountable challenges. I’m always awed by the enormous courage it takes to confront your own struggle, but together we do great work and they accomplish their goals.
So I too can let-go of the urge to quit the fight and—like the Sinatra song, I get back up, dust myself off, and start all over again.
Ever notice how your body feels when you’re upset with someone? When I’m in conflict with someone close, my body feels drained, my mind distracted, I don’t eat properly, work seems harder.
Did you know that the largest contributor to conflict in relationships is poor communication. Maybe you don’t feel heard, there’s constant arguing, nothing changes, and the biggie— you both are acting defensively, pushing each other’s ‘buttons’. Poor communication can chip away at our self esteem and self confidence. How can this be good for our health?
We see from personal experience the connection between good or bad communication and our relationships. Now there’s scientific evidence to support the link between good relationships and a long healthy happy life.
A Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the world’s longest studies of adult life that looked for clues that lead to healthy and happy lives. It began at Harvard in 1938 and continuing today with a second generation study.
“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. The study showed that close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. They are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. * article from The Harvard Gazette read here
When in conflict with your partner, family member, colleague… what do you notice about the way you communicate with each other? This is not about judgment or blame, it’s about seeing what is going on.
Awareness of ‘what is’ is the first step to change.
Is there trust, honesty, openness and mutual respect? Is someone trying to be the winner? That can’t work since someone winds up the ‘loser’. It’s not a competition.
Relationships are built on compromise and on finding solutions of mutual benefit, caring for oneself and others.
Good communication skills are the only way your messages are heard and received.
With tools such as listening with empathy and letting go of your reactivity, you can end the frustration of poor communication. You break old patterns that used to get you caught up in the same conversations.
I help my clients learn new ways to:
be a more active listener
express themselves without the fear of creating more conflict
be heard
We do it by exploring:
how the way they treat themselves impacts their relationships
how to create and enforce good boundaries/respect
new ways of building intimacy and trust
How’s communication in your relationships? Maybe it’s great with your partner but not so great with a sibling. You are not alone. Family relationships are complicated! Learn what you can do to feel better, find peace and get unstuck.
Have you ever had to deal with a control freak? They need to be right all the time. That means you can’t be—right?
I had a cousin whose husband told her what she could and couldn’t wear. He wouldn’t let her shop without him. He had to be there to choose what he liked. After all, it was his money. She was a stay-at-home mom. She looked after him, their kids and a huge house. “It’s his way of showing his love,” she said. “I’m so lucky to have all this.”
Funny how easily we can explain things away.
He chose where they would vacation and what car she would drive. He constantly interrupted to correct her, and even called her ‘stupid.’ Imagine—a highly educated and capable woman stuck in a toxic situation, using all her brain power to convince herself things were fine when they weren’t.
One day in frustration he put his hands on her. For a split second she was afraid—then angry. Finally, something cracked in her. The anger completely took over her fear. She saw red flags everywhere. How could she have missed them? Her teenage son spoke to his girlfriend in the same condescending tone as his father. It wasn’t the first time, but she hadn’t registered it before. She thought she’d raised him to respect women. What about her little daughter? Would she allow herself to be treated like this one day?
Horrified, she realized things had to change. Her children were going to learn the value of respect—starting with self- respect! But there was no point in just telling them. That didn’t work, obviously. She had to show them. She would be a better role model now.
She changed the way she responded to her husband. Instead of explaining away his behavior she quietly spoke up. The intimidating tricks and manipulations he’d relied on for so long lost their power. She began to trust herself. Her confidence grew.
When the kids finally noticed and started to ask questions, she knew she’d reached them. They began talking about their father’s actions and her responses. Their tensions began to ease. None of them had realized just how much anxiety they were hanging onto until they started sharing their feelings, feeling heard.
At first he was as disrespectful as ever—but no longer scared her. She spoke up more and more. Sometimes she exploded—she couldn’t help it—but mostly she was polite and unwavering. She even made an effort to understand where he was coming from. What was he afraid of? Could she help? This confused him at first and he got angry, but in time he couldn’t deny the value of what she was doing.
The atmosphere in the house changed. He was touched by her. She’d cracked his wall! If there was ever going to be a turning point, this was it.
The more she took responsibility for herself, the less afraid she was. She realized the price she’d paid for her compliance. She also realized that he wasn’t her responsibility. His behavior was his choice—not hers. He could either continue on his destructive path and she’d act accordingly, or he could appreciate the growth and newfound strength his wife was bringing into their marriage—and ask for help.
Most Friday evenings while preparing for supper Stephen pours our wine and we reflect on our long busy week.
I always ask him about his Friday mindfulness group at the Cancer Wellness Center. You’d think it would be a depressing and sad conversation. Not at all!
He relaxes and reflects on his time there just hours ago. Then with a smile and sometimes a tear he describes the love and warmth among these courageous inspiring warriors.
‘There’s no bullshit’ he says. ‘These people truly live in the moment. They have the choice to be pulled down by their cancer, or to accept it and push forward. They have no time or energy for pretense.’
Sometimes the group loses a friend. Other times a newcomer joins the group and is awed by the warmth and kindness of the other members as they make them feel comfortable and safe.
Life is fragile and precious —a gift. No one in that room takes it for granted. He always says that he gets much more than he gives.
People often ask me how I deal with the stress of carrying other people’s pain.
I don’t see it as stressful. I get to witness people as they gain insight into their own minds. They come ready to create their own happiness, to understand what makes them tick and to overcome the obstacles holding them back. The change begins at our very first meeting. It’s awesome!
Stephen and I are not surrounded by stress and sadness, we are surrounded by love.
We see the power of the human will every day, building confidence, self love, respect and trust. We watch them learn to grow from every experience with equanimity and love. We don’t just believe in mindfulness, we see its key role in this process.
I am so grateful to have the best mindfulness mentor in the business. Thank you Stephen!
This last weekend I visited my neurologist for the first time in seven years. He’s a nice guy—gentle, top in his field—but I stopped seeing him because he had nothing encouraging for me. After my last visit in 2012, I left his office drained and terrified.
At that time it was obvious my MS body was deteriorating. He told me my disease had shifted from the relapsing- remitting stage to secondary progressive, in which there are no more remissions. He performed all the standard neurological tests, proving only the worst. He also mentioned available drug treatments, which did nothing for my spirits. They may slow down progression of the disease, but they also come with side-effects.
“That’s life,” was all he said. On the ride home I cried while Stephen held my hand. The future looked bleak. He may be a doctor but to me he is no healer.
This time however, things were different. I’ve changed my lifestyle, including my diet, and work out regularly. I thought he’d be pleased. There I was smiling ear to ear, twenty pounds lighter, hypertension gone, not bent over a stick but upright and fearless. I explained all the things I was doing that have reversed some of the most disturbing symptoms of MS, like extreme fatigue, dizziness and weakness.
He was genuinely pleased and surprised at what how well I looked but seemed to think it had nothing to do with what I was telling him. He literally scoffed at me saying that the approach is only worth consideration if it’s substantiated by a double-blind, placebo-controlled trial with a large population, and then published in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Ouch!
We never questioned his authority before, but we did discover how much I could do for my health. That was in 2014 when we found reputable health professionals— MD’s, medical fitness practitioners and others—who all suggest a proactive approach to living with MS. What stands out most is that they educate and motivate.
So for the last five years we’ve been soaking up information about nutrition, exercise and stress-management that made sense. I still see my GP and share with her everything I’m doing. If I’m taking any unhealthy risks, she’ll tell me.
I went from being an MS sufferer to MS warrior. It’s a hard battle but it pays off. I’m still working on my ability to walk better, and I’m encouraged to be stronger and healthier in every other way. I feel more energy, joy, purpose…’
And HOPE.
MS is not the mysterious monster I once thought it was. I follow news about the drugs, immunosuppressants, stem cell transplants and devices that science is working on, and I look forward to having safe, reliable, affordable options— but I’m not going to just sit back and wait. These potential cures are just that—potential. I always remember the knee- jerk promise of my very first neurologist: “Don’t worry, there’ll be a cure in ten years. “For sure.”
That was twenty-seven years ago.
One thing I’ve learned as a coach is that change starts with a desire for change. Then, on top of that, you need to commit to a process and get whatever support you need. I have my coach, the online communities of my fellow MS- Warriors and my husband Stephen, who keeps me grounded every day.
I understand the value of science and also the dangers of wishful thinking.
But I also understand the debilitating effects of fear and the absolutely essential ingredient of hope.
For some reason doctors and scientists squirm rather than provide hope or even optimism, let alone prescribe a proactive approach to living with MS. That’s not just a mistake, it’s a betrayal. Science should treat fear the way it treats other symptoms, and address it in every way conceivable. This would make patients less dependent on the health care system and enlist them as part of the strategy to find a cure for MS, and live with it hopefully in the meantime.
I’m sooooo excited about becoming a grandmother. My little boy (well he’s 36) is going to be a Dad!
After two plus years of agonizing procedures, endless waiting and worrying, the miracle we’ve been waiting for is finally on his way.
Here’s my fantasy: baby arrives, doting grandmother rushes over to help while mom and dad adjust to their new roles.
Here’s my reality: they live in Florida, not around the corner. There’s financial stress in flying down several times a year, complicated by the logistics of traveling disabled. The MS also prevents me lifting and carrying the baby. It seems like I’m going to miss all the best parts! My heart is breaking.
Ever since they started planning a family I’ve been excited but at the same time, hanging on to disappointment because of my disability. Not that they noticed it. They’ve had my total love and support through all the agonizing steps of IVF.
You see, being a coach doesn’t shield me from myself. You know what they say about doctors making the worst patients.
I realized that it was time to face my guilt and other ‘demons’ like feeling a failure for not being good enough and fear of disappointing them. They needed to know that I may not be able to do what they expected.
I called them and explained all the things I couldn’t do—and about my sadness. Then I explained what I could do — change diapers, feed baby, rock him, even walk him in the stroller (for me, it’s just as good as my walker).
Instead of being disappointed they were thrilled that I wanted to be so involved—not just with the newborn but with their little boy as he grows up. They look forward to me reading, singing and playing with him. It was like a huge weight lifted, I felt as light as a butterfly. Wow!
My real obstacles are worry, fear and anger —not my physical limitations.
Keeping those feelings inside was the worst thing I could have done. Sharing this with Stephen helped a bit because he validated what was going on inside me, but the real healing and growth began when I shared this with my son and daughter-in-law.
They helped me see the big picture. I was able to let go of a skewed perception of who I am or whether I’m capable or not. I let go of the illusion that things should be a certain way. Things rarely work out the way they should, in other words the way we want. That’s the fantasy! And a tough habit to break.
My son and daughter-in-law went through hell and high water to become pregnant. They managed every roadblock on this journey. I’m in awe of their courage, strength and tireless optimism. It’s just the beginning, but I know they’re going to be awesome parents.
Almost every evening Stephen prepares dinner for us. Almost every evening I feel guilty because of it.
He hates that I feel this way. He pours me a glass of wine and points to the other side of the counter. “Relax,” he says.
What a horrible husband!
He insists he’s happy to do it, and I believe him—for the most part. Cooking’s in his DNA. He practically grew up in the kitchen of his father’s Italian restaurant. He learned by watching Frankie the chef. Stephen’s always eaten well, even on his hair-raising adventures.
Still, I see how tired he gets after a long day. If we could afford to hire a chef he’d jump at the chance. But he never complains.
He knows how challenging my life is today, balancing MS and the work I love. It’s in part because he cooks that I can fit it all in. It’s not that I don’t know how. I fed my big family for decades, but my focus is on other things now.
So if he’s happy and I’m happy, why can’t I just accept this kindness? Some habits are hard to break. Guilt is one of the most stubborn.
I thought I came up with a perfect solution. When he cooks I do the dishes and vice versa. In theory it was a good plan, except on nights we finish eating around 8:00 pm. I’m too darn tired especially if there’s a huge mess. That happens a lot. And again, he has no problem cleaning up too. “It’s my mess,” he says.
So we came up with a different plan—one that doesn’t feed that stubborn guilt. While he cooks, I exercise. It’s perfect! It keeps me moving so I stay stronger longer, for us.
The biggest challenge in my life is not just my body. It’s keeping up the motivation, day after day, to keep fighting. That daily workout works out!
Stephen’s happy, and the guilt is gone…well, a little less guilty.
I love the idea of having a blog. I get to share stories that make you smile and I can offer new perspectives that makes you pause and reflect. Very cool!
But it’s been months since my last blog. I’m frustrated about that. I could say I’ve been too busy or sick or distracted with personal issues and while that’s all true, it isn’t why I haven’t posted.
Self doubt! It drives me nuts. Being focused in the present helps. But hey, if I talk the talk but don’t ‘walk the walk’ what’s the point? I wouldn’t be much of a coach.
A few paragraphs into any blog my inner judge says, ‘Don’t post it, they’ll see you’re not that smart, you’ll scare people away!’
Do you say unkind things to yourself? My husband gets upset when I put myself down.
I talk to my clients about ‘buttons’ ‘triggers’ and ‘stories.’ We all have them, but responses like anger, doubt, anxiety are very personal. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
What triggers my self doubt? Feeling pressure or overwhelm, but that’s just on the surface. The root of my doubt comes from habits that started a long time ago.
One small example: growing up I was painfully shy. In kindergarten I had to wear a patch over one eye and goofy glasses. I felt ugly and awkward. I assumed everyone thought so too. It was the start of a lifetime of being overly self- conscious.
I’m way more confident today but the button is still there and is triggered when I write or speak in public. I don’t give in to it though. Now I look at the discomfort differently. I face the fear, take a breath and go for it. And I remind myself I LOVE facilitating the workshops, it’s always an enjoyable and empowering experience for me and the participants.
In my upcoming workshop you get a unique opportunity to look at yourself in a new way and see that you can free yourself from draining habits. Saturday December 8 at 1 pm in Pointe Claire. Limited space, register at courey.com or call 450-853-0616
I was feeling terrific after a great meeting with a client. Time for a break on the deck to clear my head and enjoy the beautiful weather.
As I approached the glass doors I saw something or someone moving around in the backyard. My heart started to race. Nobody was home. Was there an intruder?
Our property lies next to a cemetery, woods and a large gully. There’s never any activity out there except for songbirds, the usual small animals and occasional fox.
Then, out the corner of my eye were large slow moving birds pecking the grass. About a dozen. They must have been at least 50 lbs each!
What are they? Not geese, too big. Do I get my camera or just hang out there? Who knows how long they’ll stay.
My phone wasn’t far, I grabbed it and fumbled to get the darn app open. Felt like ages. Don’t go! I gently slid open the door to join my ‘ guests’ a few feet away. They barely noticed me.
Then I spotted the huge mother surveying her flock. We eyed each other for a while. Mother to mother. Without taking her eyes off me she slowly made her way to the gully, babies in tow. My camera snapped away.
About an hour later Stephen walked in the door. I couldn’t wait to tell him about my awesome encounter, feeling bad he missed it. As we neared the back window I quietly screamed OMG they’re back! Guess they hadn’t felt threatened after all.
We savored this special moment. Then Faith walked in, freaked out and within seconds posted the video on social media.
Turns out they are wild turkeys. They must have been munching on acorns scattered across the lawn. What a wonderful treat for all of us.
We moved here to be closer to nature. I wanted ‘mom’ to know that I was honoured to be in their presence. There was sadness and guilt too for human intervention on their land.
You must think there’s something good about procrastination, otherwise you’d just get on with the deed—right? It’s all about short-term gain. But while you delay the inevitable you’re probably holding on to guilt or worry about what you ‘should’ do. I really like Nike’s slogan ‘Just Do It’, but when it comes to daily exercise, I can find a hundred reasons to not just do it.
I think the problem is a lack of motivation. Logic isn’t enough. Most smokers know they should quit and want to; scary photos still don’t work. Movement is medicine for my MS, but after years of workouts at the gym I didn’t feel better, even with a personal trainer. I just felt more fatigue and guilt.
Then everything changed. Last year I discovered a medical fitness practitioner who created an online gym for people with MS. Trevor Wicken is passionate, funny and highly skilled. I’ve never known anyone with so much empathy. I don’t know how he does it but whenever I need help, he responds within 24hrs. He’s got over 12 thousand members and growing.
Since joining his MS gym in January I’ve been working out six days a week. It’s uncanny! No one can believe it.
Rather than telling us what to do, Trevor educates us about what’s going on in our bodies. He shows us how to get stronger and rewire our brains. He’s a coach, a motivational speaker and loving guide. No one besides Terry Wahls in my 26 years of living with MS has ever made me feel like this: I can take my power back from this disease.
It’s working! I’m doing dead lifts, planks, push-ups and all kinds of exercises. I’ve got more energy to coach full time.
I’m even learning how to walk unaided again. No neurologist dares to say this is possible, but every day people are posting videos of getting out of their wheelchairs or tossing their canes using his unique approach. Rewiring the brain is hard. It takes years, but I’m pumped! I may never run a marathon but one thing is certain, I’m getting stronger, not weaker.
When my clients experience growth in areas they never thought possible, they’re re-wiring their brain as they change ingrained habits. AND they get super motivated and empowered.
We are all taking control of our lives. No more procrastination. Life’s too short!
