Author: Caroline Courey

When I was diagnosed with MS 25 years ago my doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. There’s going to be a cure in 5 years.’ Of course I trusted him—he was a respected neurologist.

So I waited 5, 10, 15…years! Drugs came out with side effects that weren’t even guaranteed to slow disease progression. Still my doctors said, ‘Don’t worry they’re close. Take the drugs. You’ll feel better.’

Around year 10-13 I decided to check this option out and participated in two clinical drug studies. Both backfired and made me sick.

At year 22, I had only enough energy to be productive for a few hours a day. The rest of the time I spent in bed. The kids were independent by then and I was building my career as a life coach. Seeing my courageous clients reach their goals kept me going. I was inspired. That was MY drug!

But it wasn’t enough, the disease was getting worse. I felt like a burden.

My dad always taught me: ’Don’t rely on anyone to do what you can do yourself’. I saw the wisdom in his words, but they really hit home about 3 1/2 years ago. That’s when I found there were two things I could do to help myself, both clinically proven.  The Wahls Prrotocol by Terry Wahls MD and The MS Gym by Trevor Wicken.

Both are challenging and both require a lot of support and determination. But they work for me and give me a quality of life I never dreamed possible.

It was pretty scary at first going against my doctor’s advice. How could I know more? What if I’m wrong? My neurologist also told me, ‘ the one thing I know is that we (doctors) don’t know much’.

On the other hand these protocols were helping people like me using no drugs, just healthy lifestyle changes supported by licensed medical practitioners. It felt right for me. I was done waiting for something good to happen. All I needed to do was to trust myself. SO FAR SO GOOD!

What do you do when you are unhappy? Plan a vacation, eat ice cream, find some other distraction? But what if your unhappiness comes from you and not someone or something else? When you ask these 5 questions, you may see sides of yourself you didn’t know were there. That’s a good thing! Awareness is everything.

You may be avoiding some truths that could be holding you back from the life you want. If those fixes don’t last, you need a clearer picture of what’s going on and how to find the happiness you deserve.

We all feel unhappy sometimes. It’s a part of life, I get it. I’ve been there. When I was a single mother with three kids and just diagnosed with MS I assumed no one in the world was crazy enough to share my world. At 32 I gave up on love and intimacy.

Then it hit me—my own self perception was blocking my happiness. The deeper I looked the more I learned and grew. I felt re-energized and empowered.

I learned that my unhappiness wasn’t coming from my ex or my illness. It was coming from inside me. This meant that I wasn’t powerless. That huge realization started with these 5 questions that changed my life.

1. Am I in a healthy relationship? Most people fear being alone so they ignore red flags. Sure your partner’s not perfect, but you can’t put up with everything. There are some deal-breakers you need to look at if you want real happiness in your life. If you find yourself disrespected or resentful and withhold what’s on your mind or you withdraw, you may be in a toxic relationship. What you can do: Acknowledging red flags is your first big step towards happiness. Look deeper, pay attention and get clear on what’s going on.
2. Do I trust myself? Life is full of uncertainty. You know what you need but you’re afraid to take the next step. What if things go wrong? What if someone gets hurt? You stay in your comfort zone simply because it’s predictable. You find it difficult to trust anyone. What you can do: Trusting yourself means you opening yourself to opportunity. You accept and cope with whatever happens no matter how painful or hard. Your confidence grows as you watch yourself take risks and learn. It feels great!
3. Am I stuck? You dream about how your life ‘should’ be if only things hadn’t turned out this way. Change seems impossible. You justify your situation, submit to your fate and ignore your dreams. But resentment and frustration are simmering beneath the surface. What you can do: Take a few deep breaths, look in the mirror and ask ‘don’t I deserve to be happy’? It may be hard to say the words. Many people feel unworthy of being happy or at peace. That’s a clear indication to get support to help them understand and stop self- limiting beliefs that keep them stuck.
4. Am I being myself with others? You do your best to be kind, keep the peace and avoid conflict. You may think it’s why so many people love you. But it’s exhausting! When things don’t work the way you want, someone gets hurt and you feel guilt. What you can do: Being yourself means saying no sometimes— to express yourself with honesty and respect and to accept that it isn’t up to you to make others happy. Happiness is everyone’s own choice.
5. Am I taking care of my body? You’re the last on your list of priorities. Work, kids, spouse, home, even the dog comes before your needs! The last thing you feel like doing is a work-out. What you can do: Your body is your container for everything you do and are. When it’s strong and vibrant you feel happier. Start with a few deep conscious breaths each day to stop telling yourself what you ‘should’ do and just BE. Notice how your body feels afterwards. Start small, take a walk, notice nature around you. This is taking care of your mind and body!

A professional objective eye can help you understand what’s going on and support you as you explore your options.

A few weeks ago I had one of the most beautiful painful conversations of my life. It went like this: In a soft clear voice she said “You’re the only person I’m calling before I go into palliative care. I wanted to talk to you because I love you and because we had such a special relationship.”

It took me a while to process her words. “You’re saying, ‘Goodbye?’” “Yes,” she said firmly. “I wanted to do it privately.”

We thanked each other for loving and supporting each other for the last 26 years. I couldn’t hold back tears as I thanked her again for taking such wonderful care of me when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, when I lost my baby, went through divorce and so much more. Besides major life events we shared a passion for emotional exploration, dissecting our vulnerabilities to strengthen our hearts and minds. After all, we did meet as university returnees studying psychology.

It felt surreal reminiscing the past when the future was merely days away. But I was fully present and awake in this most precious moment. I felt profound honour to be able to have this moment with her knowing it was going to be our last without the drug induced fog from her meds. I didn’t want time to pass, or anything to change but, she grew tired, it was time.

I cried for days but deep inside there was joy. I thanked her silently again.

My father died before I had a chance to tell him how much I loved and appreciated him. Words he never heard enough. How I wish I could go back.

I see people struggle to express what’s in their heart, to their spouse, children, siblings friends… It feels risky, someone may get hurt. But I know from experience, holding on to stuff hurts you! And it blocks the possibility of a more meaningful satisfying relationship.

Think about it.

“I can’t change. I’ve always been this way!”

“Is that so?”

This is where the conversation begins. What is that thing that stops you from pursuing the change you want? Guilt? Lack of self-confidence?

Usually it’s the fear of change itself. You never know exactly where it will lead. Eventually, you reach your limit. Fear or no fear you just have to move forward. That’s where my clients are at when they reach out to me.

Cathy for example, could no longer hide that she felt insignificant and unheard. Deep down she thought she didn’t deserve a better life. And the idea of speaking up for herself meant a confrontation she didn’t think she could handle.

She learned to trust herself by shifting her attention. Rather than focusing on how others made her feel weak, she began to look at what baggage they brought to the table, and how she took it personally. When she started letting that go, things began to change in ways she’d never anticipated.

On the outside the only difference was that she started speaking up. On the inside, everything had shifted. She learned to connect the physical symptoms of her stress to the underlying emotions that kicked in whenever she denied herself what she needed. That was a huge ‘ah hah’ moment, another powerful motivator for change.

People who’ve never been coached assume that it’s a process of advice and analysis. But that’s no way to build confidence and self-esteem. For Cathy and everyone, healthy change comes from within.

We explored her situation with practical exercises targeted at her own obstacles, like fear of change, speaking up and valuing herself. She learned to take small methodical steps. Her favorite practice was about learning to like herself. You’d be amazed what hidden stories that one brings up, and how liberating it can be. Many people look at themselves entirely in the negative. Women more than men. On the other hand, they reverse course a lot more easily.

My clients are motivated but it doesn’t make their fear any less. In fact, the fear factor goes up when they actually turn to face it. However, when they see how they create that fear, their perspective shifts. The inconceivable becomes entirely natural. It’s so cool!

People in their world change too — you know, the ‘ripple effect’.

Change doesn’t have to be scary.

What happens when someone becomes angry and verbally abusive? Are you willing to sacrifice your personal truth and right to be respected for peace in your life and environment?

There was a time in my life when speaking up was not an option. It would have been like entering a war zone with no back-up. My marriage was in bad shape. I felt vulnerable with little income, 4 kids and battling MS. I had no energy left to change our situation.

I truly believed that staying quiet would keep peace and stability at home. It didn’t work.

My husband still did his bullying thing. Inside me guilt, frustration and anger festered. I wasn’t just angry at him or at the MS, I was angry with myself for being caught in the situation. A nagging voice in the back of my mind saying I should have known better.

Trying to maintain peace was actually making things worse. My children watched me accept the unacceptable. That hurt the most.

Was I teaching them that bullies win? For how long? The thing about procrastination is that things don’t magically get better. Something has to happen. The question becomes, who is in charge of your life?

Friends and family sympathized offering support and advice. Some of it conflicting, much of it judgmental. I knew they cared and I appreciated their concern, but that kind of help was not what I needed to move forward. The right support came from someone totally objective, who helped me grow my confidence to get back on my feet to face whatever challenges that lay ahead.

I realized that not standing up to him enabled his controlling behavior. It was time to take my power back.

It became clear that the peace I sought began inside me when I acknowledged my potential as a good, strong and capable person. That ‘aha’ moment was so grounding it helped me finally express what needed to be expressed. As I respected myself, he learned to treat me with the same respect. It was not an option!

It worked! Things calmed down for everyone.

Peacekeeping can work once in a while, but if you find yourself compromising your inner peace and values, that’s a big red flag.

Be strong, stand strong, believe in yourself.

It’s not magic. You deserve it!

I was in a business meeting a couple weeks ago when out of the blue came a beautiful soothing chime. I thought it might be a cell phone ringer. It wasn’t, it was an app of a bell used to remind our colleague Dawn to pause and take a breath.

It was sooo nice. ‘I could really use that’ I thought. My clients would love it too! By nightfall my new free app was set to ring every hour from morning till bedtime. It was easy.

Everyone who’s tried it knows the benefits of taking a mindful breath. The problem is most of us get so caught up in our day we forget to do it, or do it consistently. That’s the hard part. The bell makes it easy.

One day after the bell rang I noticed my jaw unclench. ‘Hmmm, how long have I been doing this? Does this have something to do with the pain in my teeth these last few weeks?’ With this new awareness I discovered that I was grinding my teeth too!

Once I was conscious of what was happening I was more able to stop it. The pain went away. It’s not rocket science, more like Pavlovian, I learned to ‘let go’ at the sound of a bell.

For me the ring triggered the non-judgmental ‘me’ to allow myself to stop, breathe, be present and to take a moment to notice what’s going on inside and out; a moment to let go of tension without any guilt whatsoever.

Guilt is an ongoing challenge for me. My inner chatter says ‘you should keep doing, you shouldn’t stop.’ Seems silly as I write it and of course there are more layers to this ‘story’ but you know what I’m getting at.

The irony is that stopping, reducing tension, feeling good and all the other benefits, makes me more productive. I hope you give yourself this lovely gift. Imagine what the world would be like if everybody could do this simple thing.

I think I’ll reprogram it for every 30 minutes.

I’m often asked to describe what a happy healthy relationship looks like. While it varies from couple to couple, I have noticed ten things all successful relationships have in common.

If your parents didn’t show each other affection, respect and kindness you may not have learned what a healthy happy relationship looks like. As an adult you could be accepting the unacceptable in your own relationship without even knowing it.

Research shows that healthy relationships lower the risk of cardiovascular disease, improve mental health and increase longevity. It’s safe to say these benefits are lessened in unhealthy relationships.

People who feel unworthy and not deserving respect and appreciation may settle for less and never get to experience a happy, healthy relationship. But that can be changed.

10 things you need for a healthy relationship include:

1. Respect
   The foundation. You honor each other’s boundaries and vulnerabilities and express yourselves with empathy and kindness. Respect must be earned every day.
2. Good communication
   You feel comfortable saying what’s in your heart without fear of being judged or feeling guilty. You take the time to be heard and to listen well—skills that need constant mindful attention.
3. Love/connection
   Love is the oxygen of life. It’s what we all want and need most, including physical affection like warm hugs and kisses. You are valued, not judged. You know where your partner stands even if you don’t agree.
4. Trust
   Like respect, trust begins as self-trust. Trust enables you to be your true self and not bend who you think you should be in order to avoid conflict. It not only builds confidence and self-worth, when self-trust becomes mutual trust your bond is strengthened.
5. Intimacy
   From holding hands to sharing secret looks to problem solving together, there are countless ways you can experience physical, emotional and mental intimacy.
6. Security
   You take risks, knowing your partner has your back. Security is the feeling that no matter what happens you’re in it together. You’re confident your partner will not betray your trust.
7. Appreciation
   You admire each other’s strengths and say so. You feel and express gratitude even for small gestures. You feel validated and understood when no one else ‘gets’ you.
8. Support
   You listen while your partner vents, not trying to fix anything. You ask what you can do to help and wait patiently for a response. Ask how you can solve a problem together.
9. Shared experiences
   From loving romantic getaways to shared crises, you’re in it together. These moments deepen your bond and cultivate intimacy.
10. Your best friend
    That special person who you can laugh and be silly with, who shares your deepest dreams and failures. Nobody does it better than your best friend!

I eat nine cups of vegetables every single day. No more sugar, gluten, grain and dairy either.

It all started July 14 2014, the day I began to take my life back. It was the best decision I ever made and one of the hardest.

The best decision because within weeks on The Wahls Protocol many MS symptoms like extreme fatigue, vertigo, weakness and pain disappeared. Months later my GP took me off my blood pressure meds. It baffled my neurologist, GP, friends, family, everyone!

The hardest decision because like most people, I didn’t want to stop eating my favourite foods. We were enjoying a wonderful healthy Mediterranean diet, how could that cause harm?

In 2012 when we first saw Dr. Terry Wahls’ TED Talk I flat out refused to do it. Daily life was getting harder, the last thing I wanted was to give up one of my few remaining pleasures.

But by 2014 my quality of life was plummeting. I was losing hope. It was time to make the decision to commit to this new lifestyle.

Even though it seemed like the right decision there was a process I had to go through to be absolutely clear. It went like this: I had three choices—

Keep doing the same thing and hope for a miracle.

Reconsider conventional drugs which I did not want.

Try this labour intensive radical diet.

It took effort, commitment and motivation to change my relationship with food. Instead of food for pleasure, my mantra became FOOD IS MEDICINE. The funny thing is we enjoy food even more now. To support me and for his own curiosity Stephen decided to follow the same diet. That was a very big deal! We’re in it together.

Everything has changed. Our priorities, our attitude, our shopping habits even our taste buds. You’d be surprised how quickly cravings for sugar and carbs fade. It’s still a learning curve, but it’s not scary anymore.

I’ve learned to trust my gut☺