Author: Caroline Courey

I like to be informed on local and world news, there’s so much going on. I feel like it’s my responsibility to know what’s happening. I’ve always felt this way.

So when Stephen called me a news junkie last week, I was shocked. I never thought it was a problem. My reaction was, “What? I’m just passionate, that’s all.”

So we talked about it. Turns out I read or watch BBC, CBC, CTV, PBS, Google News, even Facebook, CJAD and CBC news talk radio.

It was when I realized there’s hardly time for music anymore that I agreed, “That’s not right.”

Since Donald Trump took office my interest in politics skyrocketed. There’s no question. And like so many, the news angers, worries and frightens me. It’s not just my future; it’s my children’s future.

What’s really distressing is the elephant in the room when family gets together. We’re not on the same page, so politics is taboo. When it comes up, as it usually does sooner or later, emotions heat up (mine sure do) and things get really uncomfortable. My bad. I get passionate when US politics is involved—and I don’t even live there!

Enough is enough. It’s time to break this bad habit. Politics is important, but it’s not good to get sucked into a vortex of fear.

So I skipped the evening news a few times last week. You know what? There’s a real difference in my body, my demeanor and my sleep. If I hadn’t thought more closely about what was so ‘important’ to me, I probably wouldn’t have made the connection. Ah, the power of mindfulness. ☺

I still follow the news, but less obsessively. No more news at bedtime. Some headlines are always horrific. How can anyone expect to sleep properly after that?

There’s not much good news, but there was some this week. I just sighed in relief along with everyone else, as we watched ordinary people and experts from all over the world work together to rescue members of the Thai soccer team from the underwater cave. Despite the sad death of that young navy seal, it was a relief to be united with, not divided from others as the news came in.

Everyone thought I was crazy when I suggested we get my 84 year old mother a guinea pig. It took a lot of thought until I was sure that it would be low maintenance, fun and uplifting for her; something she needed.

Once I convinced my brother, I needed his support and ‘connections’ as a previous guinea pig owner, we presented our unsuspecting mother her new charge.

At first she was surprised, then upset, and then embarrassed, ‘this is silly, what am I supposed to do with a rodent’ she exclaimed!

After my dad died 33 years ago, mom, still in her fifties, was lost. Having been sheltered her whole life and with no financial worries, her stress came from being alone. While my brother and I weren’t far and my children gave her great joy, she was still lonely and eventually hooked up with someone I felt was too stressful for her.

People make poor choices when they’re scared. This one has lasted almost 30 years.

What does this have to do with a guinea pig you ask? For the last 5 years Lulu has been a true source of unconditional love and joy. We’ve watched my mother laugh and tell funny stories about her busy routine with Lulu. When Lulu was sick mom nursed her back from the brink… twice! She’d take her to the vet wait for hours, make a kale smoothie and feed her by dropper until Lulu could eat on her own again. It was incredible. The veterinarian had never seen such devotion for a guinea pig. But Lulu was so much more.

You can be lonely even when you are not alone.

With Lulu there were no power struggles, negativity or confrontations, only gentle sweetness, loving purrs and tender touch. Despite mom’s fragile health Lulu gave her purpose.

Anyone who has ever had any kind of pet understands this healing connection. Sadly it was Lulu’s time. Mom’s almost 89 now. She’ll need a little space to mourn her friend. I’m not sure what’s coming up. Who knows, maybe she’s ready for a real pig!

If you’ve worked with me or my husband Stephen you know about the power of mindfulness, of being in the present moment, and you are more aware that you have a choice to react or to respond in a different way. This was one of those moments.

I use trekking poles to get around now. Years with a cane caused bad posture and shoulder and neck pain. These poles allow me to walk straighter and with more stability. They’re wonderful!

But I get really self-conscious especially when I use them indoors. I guess people assume there’s a physical problem when they see a cane, and I’m finally okay with that, but the trekking poles are generally used to train or hike or trek. I must look pretty strange at the grocery store and of course that makes me feel strange.

So yesterday at Costco the cashier grabbed my shopping cart with my trekking poles still the basket. ‘No’ I cried , ‘I need these to walk!’

It was awkward. The last thing I want to do is draw attention to my disability. After a few seconds I told myself, NO, YOU GOT THIS! Instead of shame or embarrassment I chose pride. I’m still walking after 27 years with MS, let them stare. Maybe someone will ask why I use them. I’m happy to tell my story if it inspires.

It was quite an interesting experience. I try to keep my chin up and all that stuff but inside I’m terrified of falling or being helpless.

At home I took a few minutes to reflect on what happened. I realized that this experience was a another reminder of the lesson I need to learn; it’s that helplessness is a state of mind, nothing more.

I realize that letting go of worrying about what other people think will take practice but I did it once, I will do it again! That was me taking my power back, not giving in to that destructive reactivity,and it felt soooo good. What awkward moment can you recall when you took your power back?

You know that life is short and precious. So ask yourself this: ’am I where I want to be right now?’ if your answer sounds like ’ I’m pretty happy, can’t have everything!’ or ‘things will work out fine when ( fill in blank) happens’.

We are lucky to live in a free democratic society. It isn’t perfect but there’s so much be grateful for. But challenges exist, problems, worries, fears… It’s part of life. I was divorced and raising my three young children at 32 when diagnosed with MS. I was scared and angry, it wasn’t fair! You never know what could happen.

Life is a struggle and we’re wired to survive and fight, but how many of our struggles are unconsciously self-imposed? I mean, what do you know about habits you developed over your lifetime that may be blocking happiness or fulfillment in an area of your life? Of course if you knew, you would probably try to change it. The reality is we often don’t know why we do the things we do or understand what motivates us to make certain decisions, and how we cope with stress.

When you look deep inside and ask those uncomfortable questions, you discover a different side of you. You begin to understand why you don’t have that job that you really wanted, or the intimacy you desire or a deeper bond you dream of having with your spouse or your children or your sibling.

These are pretty significant life issues that are very hard to discuss with someone and almost impossible to work out on your own.

On May 12 we will discuss stuff like this in a fun and relaxed way. You’ll become more familiar with an empowering process of self-discovery, insight, confidence-boosting, self love and respect.

More than anything my goal is to help you remind yourself to be friends with yourself. Women in particular have a hard time putting their needs first and honour who they are. If this sounds intriguing to you and you want to learn more, send me a message and we can talk about it.

Warm wishes, Caroline

You know that amazing feeling when you finally get something off your chest? You probably want to kick yourself because the conflict you were trying to avoid turns out to be worth the positive changes that came next.

My ever-so gentle husband Stephen was a serious control freak in the kitchen. He stressed me out. But when I finally took a mindful look inward I realized that he wasn’t the problem. He was doing his thing. I should have been thrilled. I didn’t like cooking any more with my MS and since my kids were all on their own.

The problem was my guilt for not playing the traditional role I expected of myself.

When we talked about it, he toned down his schtick and I began the process of letting go of the guilt. Of course there are many layers to this ingrained trigger of guilt but as they become clear it’s much more manageable.

When women find their voice they grow in all directions. It’s beautiful. We sense there’s more to us and for us, but often don’t realize what’s holding us back.

Isn’t it time to sing out and let your voice be heard?

When I was diagnosed with MS 25 years ago my doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. There’s going to be a cure in 5 years.’ Of course I trusted him—he was a respected neurologist.

So I waited 5, 10, 15…years! Drugs came out with side effects that weren’t even guaranteed to slow disease progression. Still my doctors said, ‘Don’t worry they’re close. Take the drugs. You’ll feel better.’

Around year 10-13 I decided to check this option out and participated in two clinical drug studies. Both backfired and made me sick.

At year 22, I had only enough energy to be productive for a few hours a day. The rest of the time I spent in bed. The kids were independent by then and I was building my career as a life coach. Seeing my courageous clients reach their goals kept me going. I was inspired. That was MY drug!

But it wasn’t enough, the disease was getting worse. I felt like a burden.

My dad always taught me: ’Don’t rely on anyone to do what you can do yourself’. I saw the wisdom in his words, but they really hit home about 3 1/2 years ago. That’s when I found there were two things I could do to help myself, both clinically proven.  The Wahls Prrotocol by Terry Wahls MD and The MS Gym by Trevor Wicken.

Both are challenging and both require a lot of support and determination. But they work for me and give me a quality of life I never dreamed possible.

It was pretty scary at first going against my doctor’s advice. How could I know more? What if I’m wrong? My neurologist also told me, ‘ the one thing I know is that we (doctors) don’t know much’.

On the other hand these protocols were helping people like me using no drugs, just healthy lifestyle changes supported by licensed medical practitioners. It felt right for me. I was done waiting for something good to happen. All I needed to do was to trust myself. SO FAR SO GOOD!

What do you do when you are unhappy? Plan a vacation, eat ice cream, find some other distraction? But what if your unhappiness comes from you and not someone or something else? When you ask these 5 questions, you may see sides of yourself you didn’t know were there. That’s a good thing! Awareness is everything.

You may be avoiding some truths that could be holding you back from the life you want. If those fixes don’t last, you need a clearer picture of what’s going on and how to find the happiness you deserve.

We all feel unhappy sometimes. It’s a part of life, I get it. I’ve been there. When I was a single mother with three kids and just diagnosed with MS I assumed no one in the world was crazy enough to share my world. At 32 I gave up on love and intimacy.

Then it hit me—my own self perception was blocking my happiness. The deeper I looked the more I learned and grew. I felt re-energized and empowered.

I learned that my unhappiness wasn’t coming from my ex or my illness. It was coming from inside me. This meant that I wasn’t powerless. That huge realization started with these 5 questions that changed my life.

1. Am I in a healthy relationship? Most people fear being alone so they ignore red flags. Sure your partner’s not perfect, but you can’t put up with everything. There are some deal-breakers you need to look at if you want real happiness in your life. If you find yourself disrespected or resentful and withhold what’s on your mind or you withdraw, you may be in a toxic relationship. What you can do: Acknowledging red flags is your first big step towards happiness. Look deeper, pay attention and get clear on what’s going on.
2. Do I trust myself? Life is full of uncertainty. You know what you need but you’re afraid to take the next step. What if things go wrong? What if someone gets hurt? You stay in your comfort zone simply because it’s predictable. You find it difficult to trust anyone. What you can do: Trusting yourself means you opening yourself to opportunity. You accept and cope with whatever happens no matter how painful or hard. Your confidence grows as you watch yourself take risks and learn. It feels great!
3. Am I stuck? You dream about how your life ‘should’ be if only things hadn’t turned out this way. Change seems impossible. You justify your situation, submit to your fate and ignore your dreams. But resentment and frustration are simmering beneath the surface. What you can do: Take a few deep breaths, look in the mirror and ask ‘don’t I deserve to be happy’? It may be hard to say the words. Many people feel unworthy of being happy or at peace. That’s a clear indication to get support to help them understand and stop self- limiting beliefs that keep them stuck.
4. Am I being myself with others? You do your best to be kind, keep the peace and avoid conflict. You may think it’s why so many people love you. But it’s exhausting! When things don’t work the way you want, someone gets hurt and you feel guilt. What you can do: Being yourself means saying no sometimes— to express yourself with honesty and respect and to accept that it isn’t up to you to make others happy. Happiness is everyone’s own choice.
5. Am I taking care of my body? You’re the last on your list of priorities. Work, kids, spouse, home, even the dog comes before your needs! The last thing you feel like doing is a work-out. What you can do: Your body is your container for everything you do and are. When it’s strong and vibrant you feel happier. Start with a few deep conscious breaths each day to stop telling yourself what you ‘should’ do and just BE. Notice how your body feels afterwards. Start small, take a walk, notice nature around you. This is taking care of your mind and body!

A professional objective eye can help you understand what’s going on and support you as you explore your options.

A few weeks ago I had one of the most beautiful painful conversations of my life. It went like this: In a soft clear voice she said “You’re the only person I’m calling before I go into palliative care. I wanted to talk to you because I love you and because we had such a special relationship.”

It took me a while to process her words. “You’re saying, ‘Goodbye?’” “Yes,” she said firmly. “I wanted to do it privately.”

We thanked each other for loving and supporting each other for the last 26 years. I couldn’t hold back tears as I thanked her again for taking such wonderful care of me when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, when I lost my baby, went through divorce and so much more. Besides major life events we shared a passion for emotional exploration, dissecting our vulnerabilities to strengthen our hearts and minds. After all, we did meet as university returnees studying psychology.

It felt surreal reminiscing the past when the future was merely days away. But I was fully present and awake in this most precious moment. I felt profound honour to be able to have this moment with her knowing it was going to be our last without the drug induced fog from her meds. I didn’t want time to pass, or anything to change but, she grew tired, it was time.

I cried for days but deep inside there was joy. I thanked her silently again.

My father died before I had a chance to tell him how much I loved and appreciated him. Words he never heard enough. How I wish I could go back.

I see people struggle to express what’s in their heart, to their spouse, children, siblings friends… It feels risky, someone may get hurt. But I know from experience, holding on to stuff hurts you! And it blocks the possibility of a more meaningful satisfying relationship.

Think about it.

“I can’t change. I’ve always been this way!”

“Is that so?”

This is where the conversation begins. What is that thing that stops you from pursuing the change you want? Guilt? Lack of self-confidence?

Usually it’s the fear of change itself. You never know exactly where it will lead. Eventually, you reach your limit. Fear or no fear you just have to move forward. That’s where my clients are at when they reach out to me.

Cathy for example, could no longer hide that she felt insignificant and unheard. Deep down she thought she didn’t deserve a better life. And the idea of speaking up for herself meant a confrontation she didn’t think she could handle.

She learned to trust herself by shifting her attention. Rather than focusing on how others made her feel weak, she began to look at what baggage they brought to the table, and how she took it personally. When she started letting that go, things began to change in ways she’d never anticipated.

On the outside the only difference was that she started speaking up. On the inside, everything had shifted. She learned to connect the physical symptoms of her stress to the underlying emotions that kicked in whenever she denied herself what she needed. That was a huge ‘ah hah’ moment, another powerful motivator for change.

People who’ve never been coached assume that it’s a process of advice and analysis. But that’s no way to build confidence and self-esteem. For Cathy and everyone, healthy change comes from within.

We explored her situation with practical exercises targeted at her own obstacles, like fear of change, speaking up and valuing herself. She learned to take small methodical steps. Her favorite practice was about learning to like herself. You’d be amazed what hidden stories that one brings up, and how liberating it can be. Many people look at themselves entirely in the negative. Women more than men. On the other hand, they reverse course a lot more easily.

My clients are motivated but it doesn’t make their fear any less. In fact, the fear factor goes up when they actually turn to face it. However, when they see how they create that fear, their perspective shifts. The inconceivable becomes entirely natural. It’s so cool!

People in their world change too — you know, the ‘ripple effect’.

Change doesn’t have to be scary.

What happens when someone becomes angry and verbally abusive? Are you willing to sacrifice your personal truth and right to be respected for peace in your life and environment?

There was a time in my life when speaking up was not an option. It would have been like entering a war zone with no back-up. My marriage was in bad shape. I felt vulnerable with little income, 4 kids and battling MS. I had no energy left to change our situation.

I truly believed that staying quiet would keep peace and stability at home. It didn’t work.

My husband still did his bullying thing. Inside me guilt, frustration and anger festered. I wasn’t just angry at him or at the MS, I was angry with myself for being caught in the situation. A nagging voice in the back of my mind saying I should have known better.

Trying to maintain peace was actually making things worse. My children watched me accept the unacceptable. That hurt the most.

Was I teaching them that bullies win? For how long? The thing about procrastination is that things don’t magically get better. Something has to happen. The question becomes, who is in charge of your life?

Friends and family sympathized offering support and advice. Some of it conflicting, much of it judgmental. I knew they cared and I appreciated their concern, but that kind of help was not what I needed to move forward. The right support came from someone totally objective, who helped me grow my confidence to get back on my feet to face whatever challenges that lay ahead.

I realized that not standing up to him enabled his controlling behavior. It was time to take my power back.

It became clear that the peace I sought began inside me when I acknowledged my potential as a good, strong and capable person. That ‘aha’ moment was so grounding it helped me finally express what needed to be expressed. As I respected myself, he learned to treat me with the same respect. It was not an option!

It worked! Things calmed down for everyone.

Peacekeeping can work once in a while, but if you find yourself compromising your inner peace and values, that’s a big red flag.

Be strong, stand strong, believe in yourself.

It’s not magic. You deserve it!