Many of you know that my husband was a Buddhist monk. He’s been teaching meditation and mindfulness for decades to help us improve our lives. People often assume living with him must be a picture of serenity. The reality? Like all of us, he’s human. He still has his struggles, and he can feel overwhelmed. In fact—he’s told me I overwhelm him.
You can imagine how that landed at first!
I get excited, brainstorming out loud, generating idea after idea, personal or professional. To me, it’s energizing and joyful. To him, it can feel like too much. His way of coping? Turning to something else—reading, scrolling, distracting himself. My inner reaction? Hurt. Because to me, that meant he wasn’t really listening. I felt disrespected.
When I told him that, he was honest: “But you’re overwhelming, and I can’t handle it.”
The Shift: Empathy and Respect
Instead of staying in that hurt place, I decided to practice what I teach. Two principles that I bring up often with my clients guided me here:
- Empathy: Stepping into the other person’s shoes in the moment to see what they’re experiencing.
- Being Heard: Making sure that when you speak, the other person is truly paying attention, not distracted. Eye contact, presence, focus—those things make all the difference.
Once I saw it through his perspective, I realized my approach had to change. Now, before sharing something exciting, I let him know first:
“I’d like to talk with you about something. Can I have your full attention? Could you put down your book or phone for a moment?”
The first few times, it sounded strange—almost patronizing. But once I explained what I was doing and why, he understood. I wasn’t controlling him or criticizing. I was asking for simple respect. And he was more than happy to give it.
Why This Matters
Every single person wants to be heard. When we don’t feel heard in our relationships, resentment builds. Over time, that resentment can erode intimacy, warmth, and trust. And if children are in the home, they inevitably feel that tension too.
Think for a moment: When was the last time you felt ignored, dismissed, or talked over? We all know how painful that is.
What Changed for Us
By simply asking for attention before diving into my thoughts, everything shifted. I feel respected and valued. He feels relieved because he’s not constantly trying to keep up with my intensity when he’s not in that mindset. And best of all, neither of us feels attacked or defensive.
When I told him I felt unappreciated or dismissed, he heard me. When he told me I was overwhelming, I heard him. There was no blame, just empathy.
And here’s the beautiful part: the more we practice this, the better it gets.
Being Heard Checklist
Try this simple checklist in your own conversations this week:
- Set the stage. Let the other person know you’d like their attention before you begin speaking.
- Ask directly. A gentle request like “Can we pause for a moment so you can really hear me?” works better than assuming.
- Notice presence. Look for signs of true attention—eye contact, body language, and lack of distractions.
- Balance the exchange. Practice listening as much as speaking. Empathy is a two-way street.
- Acknowledge feelings. Repeat back or validate what the other person shares so they know they were heard too.
Start with small conversations. You’ll be amazed at how the quality of your relationships changes when everyone feels respected and present.
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